Most addicts and alcoholics understand they’ve lost the power of choice once they start to use or drink. Their experience and memories abundantly confirm that once they start, most of the time, all bets are off and they cannot control the amount they use or drink. In terms of our text book, they are physically powerless once they begin. On the other hand, the second aspect of powerlessness, the lack of a mental defense against the first drug or drink, is much harder for most addicts and alcoholics to see and understand. It is very difficult for the mind of an addict and alcoholic to see that before they put a mind-altering substance in their system, they don’t have a choice. Most believe that in that moment when they succumb to the mental desire they are choosing to do so. My personal experience disproves this idea. Not only did I lose the power of choice around stopping but I also lost the power of choice around starting. These two aspects coupled together translated into true powerlessness and complete loss of the power of choice. It’s rather interesting that the substance we call our “drug of choice” is the very substance we had no power, choice or control over. If cocaine was my “drug of choice,” why didn’t I just make up my mind and choose not to do it?
I will use my personal experience to expand on this idea. By 2004, I knew that the events and circumstances that followed a few drinks or lines of cocaine were not typically full of any relief, happiness or joy. Most times were full of despair, fear and demoralizing behavior on my part. I was incapable of understanding why I could not stay away from the first drink or drug no matter how great the necessity or the wish. I made so many firm, whole-hearted resolutions to stop forever yet I started again. I had so many mornings when I knew it was in my best interest not to drink or use that day; usually for one of two reasons: I didn’t have enough money to sustain a sufficient run or I had an important engagement that I could not miss. What usually happened? I was incapable of upholding my choice to not start. On my own power, I could not make that decision stick. I always used or drank no matter what regardless of my external circumstances. Waking up and taking a deep breath was a trigger for me.
Our text book states that most addicts and alcoholics, for reasons we do not understand, have the lost the power of choice in drugs and alcohol. Our will-power becomes practically non-existent and we are unable, at certain times, to bring into our minds with sufficient force the memory of the past suffering, consequences and humiliation of a week or a month ago. We are without any kind of mental defense against the first drink or drug. Based on this logic, in that moment, when our mind says we are making a choice to pick-up, we’re not. No rational, choice-making person with our history regarding drugs and alcohol, would make a choice to repeatedly burn everything to the ground. I would fight the obsession off all day long then reach a place when there was no choice, just a point blank declaration that I must use. All other options were excluded and the intellectual sorting out process of making a choice – examining options and rejecting or accepting them – was suspended. Hence, there was no choice. This realization is not as dark as it appears. Actually, there’s great freedom in knowing and experientially understanding this concept.
Recovering addicts and alcoholics in the recovery process (working steps after a genuine surrender) who are able to see their loss of the power of choice are able to free themselves of so much self-loathing, regret, shame and guilt because they finally have an explanation for so many things they could not otherwise account for. Why did I miss so many important engagements? Why did I lie, cheat and steal from family and friends? Why did I hurt them so badly? For years, I believed I was an immoral, psycho-path without a moral compass who never thought of others and hurt those who loved him most. When I woke up and saw that not only had I lost power, choice and control over how much I did once I started, I also lost power, choice and control of when I started. After grasping this aspect of our problem, I finally understood that I did not intentionally hurt everyone who cared about me nor did I choose to destroy the external circumstances of my life. Conversely, I can’t go to the people I harmed with this explanation. When I go to them, I can only arrive with regret for my wrong-doings and a sincere desire to rectify the damage I did by making amends and asking them what I can do to make things right. On a personal level, I saw the truth for the first time, I am powerless never again to regain control or choice.
Over the last nine years, I have observed that almost every addict and alcoholic who has difficulty believing he or she doesn’t have a choice before they start have first step reservations, argue about God and higher power concepts and lack the capacity to surrender in the third step. Why? They still believe they can do something to solve their problem and they still have hope in their first step. Typically, these are the same people who struggle with self-loathing, shame and guilt because they believe they made a conscious decision to hurt all those people and destroy so many things worthwhile. I hope this writing helps clear the ground a bit on this topic, provides a sliver of new thinking and perhaps a new experience with powerlessness.
Tarek Khalil
Founder and Program Director
The Launching Pad